Every year it happens - One of the biggest threats to the physical and emotional health of parents and children alike, all over the U.S. People are forced to walk for miles, knocking on doors, dressed in clothing not fit for the light of day, begging for tooth-rotting, hyperspastic-coma-inducing, pre-packaged sugar.
The parent tasked with supervising the minature walking dead is especially troubled when that strange, awful day happens on a Monday. A school night. When it's even more pressing that all the little goblins must be repeatedly chastised to "Wait."
"Wait" is the four-letter word of the evening. It is the mantra of parents everywhere. Wait until after dinner. Wait until it's dark-ish. Wait for us to catch up. Wait to eat the candy. - It's that last bit that's the hardest for the munchkins. But the threat of the poisoned treat; The razor blades in the apples, (As if anyone gives out apples anymore.) The LSD-laden candy bar - Those are the threats parents rely upon. The urban-legends of scary wrong things hiding in those sweet, chocolate-covered pieces of bliss that help us keep our children fearful and safe until we can fulfil our parental duty to "Check the Candy".
It is a truly thankless and vital responsibility we must shoulder. Many parents just can't or won't step up and take the bull by the horns to do whatever it takes to ensure our children remain safe and healthy. Many of these so-called caring adults actually allow their offspring to eat un-inspected food gathered from strangers!
It's a burden I'm willing to shoulder to ensure the safety and well-being of my own demented spawn. Even if I must test each and every piece of chocolate myself, I will persevere.
For I am the parent of a Trick-or-Treater and that makes me: The Official Candy Tester.
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